What does it look like to be content? Like truly. For years I thought it was just being thankful, you know like writing the list of the top three things about your day… or having an attitude of gratitude… whilst that’s an element to the art of contentment I believe it is so deeply founded in finding true fulfilment through acknowledgement.
The deep satisfying feeling of knowing and embracing a season completely – even amidst utter joy or caverns in dark places. Along with the total self-acceptance of who you are – idiosyncrasies and all. It hasn’t been in the places I’ve been looking, and making myself comfortable. I guess it isn’t until more recently I have begun to see the glimmer of what true contentment looks like as I’ve chosen to engage in what fulfilment within my family, my business and my own self.
My story began many years ago, but my real unveiling was when my second child was born. He was our greatest interruption and my greatest gift. His arrival meant the beginning of me truly finding myself. And the unravelling of all the armour I had put on over the years. I learnt my journey had been one of never-ending filling. The ever chasing after. The nonstop momentum. Until I hit burnout. Then got up and ran harder. Then hit it again. Ever running in an attempt to try to “fix” my life or find fulfilment. It left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, never satisfied or happy. It all relied on my striving, and success… and after a very long season of hard-hitting illnesses one after the other – I leant in. For too long I had been fighting the urge to rest, like truly rest, I continued to resist the very obvious truth I wasn’t listening to my body or my heart. I had to recognise I had come so far to learn I don’t want to keep up with the Jones’ anymore and the pace the world set for me. I needed to find contentment with who I am… not where I am. So I made a choice.
Breathe in, let go. Step slow.
I have said for years to so many, “be present to the moment” and I honestly thought I was. It’s true, we tend to preach the messages we need to hear the loudest: Be present. Rest. Be authentic. Find who you are – the real, crazy, wonderful you. Follow the call. You are loved for who you are. Be radically obedient. He has got you babe… These are the life lessons I am in my heart yearning to master, and in very minor steps I have been striving toward them for a lifetime. With all the freshness a new year brings it’s here I am finding the ability to see the only way forward is in release; so I have been engaging intentionally with the spiritual disciplines of solitude, creating silent spaces, stillness in meditation and quietening life’s white noise by dealing with the raw roots of some of the not so delicious fruit my life had been harvesting. It’s been my unravelling and it will be the new ongoing I will choose to linger and open myself to. I realised not only was I encouraging everyone else, thinking I didn’t need the same standard. But our ultimate true contentment comes only when we really hear the things He had been dropping into our spirit just for us…
Here we are in Autumn, the season that teaches us change and loss is a beautiful thing. That the dying to self allows the newness of life to bloom. That we all need to shed to grow. That heading into hibernation is a natural course where growth underground is enabled, only developing even deeper roots to hold the season of more to come.
I’ve made a choice after going full force into every season of my life, it is time to realign my heart and my life. I get to decide how we do this. The things in the can’t pile are now flipped into opportunities. The things I held onto I am letting go of. I get to do this next few months with a fresh perspective. I have come to the place where I recognise these days are numbered especially with my youngest heading to school on the horizon, I want to create memories, build into him and be less stretched trying to make everyone happy. I desire to be fully present to both my kids and filled with contentment in the here and now – which very slowly as I let go of all I thought really wanted right now, is actually completely satisfying. Next year when they’re both in school, I can work hard with more clarity and freedom, besides I have a feeling that’s where the fluid movement of working for myself will flourish the most. I’ve decided I’m okay enough to wait that out, learn and grow in the lead up. It is also a season of space and low-level commitment… here with more room in my schedule I can be on top of the things that have previously overwhelmed me as I’ve tried to juggle too much whilst complaining of my lot. I am choosing to pour myself into this season with intention. With a grateful heart. A life of praise – even though this is hard, and sometimes boring. And even though it’s not what I pictured – I am learning to be content.
I think it’s time for us to be mindful of creating hearts that see beauty in the mundane and enter a season of space which forms gratitude completely. The thing is now I am here, at the place of resolve… I realise this is my awakening. These are the fleeting moments I have fought against for so long under the guise of needing to provide, the need to control, the need to know what is happening next or if I’m really honest, the need to escape my reality.
So I am just going to lay it all down and pick up this moment. Hold it for the precious time I get to and release it to the wind when it’s time is done.
And whilst I’m here I will choose to be content with all I have.
For all I have is wonder-filled.
And for that I am truly grateful.
Until next time… xox