So, I sat down to write. I only have a few hours and I have so many thoughts. Then, well then, the things started coming in. Oh I’ll just do this… then… and if I quickly get on top of this, then… except my limited time is fractionated into a million very important tasks and suddenly I’m falling down the rabbit hole of doing…
Finally, after I got what I “needed” out of my mind, I actually sat to write, the one thing I knew I wanted/needed to do for my own sanity and yet my head still would. not. stop.
Squirrel.
After my second bubs was born I found out I have ADHD. As a kid I knew I was a dreamer, I knew I struggled with comprehension, numbers danced around the page and forms… well don’t get me started. They just become a blur of demanding points and the concentration required makes me want a four day nap. I knew I was distracted, impulsive and I fought it hard to maintain “normal” focus.
When I first found out as an adult, it made a lot of sense to me – I finally understood why my mind was perpetually moving and why I got overwhelmed when the details flew in fast. Whilst having ADHD means I can multitask, have a seemingly boundless energy, be impulsively creative, hyper-focus on projects and get stuck on details… there are somedays the endless running means I just look like and feel like an out of control hot mess.
The biggest challenge I’ve found then is, how do I bring my restless mind to rest…? That is of course, when I’ve finally found time and there are no more excuses, or I’m a wreck from all the doing… I also know that busyness or being in need of rest is not ADHD specific and we all need to find pockets of rest. But how do we rest???
“Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything.”
Psalm 46:10 MSG
Making Room
I’ve been reading a lot on personalities (thanks to Enneagram/Myers-Briggs etc.) and I’ve found we’re all wired differently, so our propensity to rest will look and feel different for each individual.
For me, I’m the type of person who aces output, who over books calendars and then hopes and prays everything gets cancelled because I’ve pushed myself too hard. My mind is overstimulated and people in large or long doses exhaust me. I work well in systems, but my life married to a flexible procrastinator and children is filled with spontaneity, keeping me “on” longer than I want to. I’ve had to work hard at what works best for me – whilst fitting into wife/mum/work/ministry life.
Reworking my rhythms have been essential: Limiting my clients on days so I have pockets of stillness, regularly prioritising dates with Jesus to start my work day. Seeing a tangent I diverted into in a conversation and coming back, branch by branch so I stay focused and to the point. Learning to book end my day. Listing all the things in my head and leaving it in the notebook so I can actually focus. Insisting on having a deep bath with no devices or distractions. Simply making room – but these are all disciplines I find extremely difficult to maintain because focus is like my kryptonite. I’m impulsive yet organised, a walking contradiction – it gets exhausting. So how to regain rest in restlessness…
Restless Mind
Silence. Loud, deafening, real silence. Not the kind where you sit and think no-thing, it’s quite unlike the meditation practices I’d come to know. Clearing your mind isn’t placing things in boxes, it’s releasing it to the wind in the quietness of your soul. It’s unearthing the depths of your mind and allowing thoughts to no longer stick around out so you can find peace and clarity. Wholeness.
I practiced this at a retreat recently and found it THE hardest thing to do. My mind races, and to clear it with silence was absolutely deafening. We live with so much white noise – physically and metaphorically that creating space to sit and not take in anything is confronting. We were encouraged to spend 30 minutes (which can I just say felt like a day at first) to sit and allow silence to clear away our thoughts and the undercurrent of life noise and give that time for God to make Himself known.
“Silence allows the reality of God to stand in the midst of your life.”
Dallas Willard
At first I laid there in the main room with my eyes closed, uncomfortable with the abyss, wishing and hoping I wouldn’t fall asleep but then I kept hearing the pace of another colleague. So I sat on the porch and watched the clouds. All the while my head was coaxed into turning my attention to my phone where Instagram was awaiting my undivided attention. My mind then went to all the details and what we needed to arrange for the many pies our fingers are in. My mind circled around thoughts I didn’t know even existed. And then suddenly, the things I had pushed down began to surface. The things I had begun to numb away with busy rose up and were allowed their due time, I allowed myself to feel it, to hear what I really had to say about it in my mind, then I let it go, I laid it at the cross. Silence was so uncomfortable to begin with, but by the end of the allocated time I felt suddenly freer and yearned to remain in this liminal space.
The moments of silence can be the loudest because the things we suppress over the years finally are allowed to have a voice and can be laid to rest. They’re not solved instantly but they are addressed, named and given a voice for just a moment – long enough for us to realise we need to declutter our mindset and continue to allow Him to work in us. But those moments only happen when we allow our self to go there, when we make room.
To this day I still intentionally create pockets of pause – this isn’t being idle, this is a fraction of time carved out with the intention to clear the mind, to then have space to hear Him – clearly. This is an act of embracing slow and smelling the roses. Taking in my surroundings and letting out the waves of thought as they arise. My restless mind will not cease motion until I rest in Him. These thoughts don’t need to be captured, or written in a journal, nor expressed in a conversation with others input, not even vocalised out aloud to myself. It’s purely finding moments of silence that allow us to connect with Him in a greater way.
In the silence we address the motivations of our hearts.
In the silence our mind overflows our fears, our rationale, our thoughts which take us to our actions.
In the silence, we are transformed.
So sweet one, how can you make room to sit, to engage silence and let your thoughts run wild and free with Him.
until next time… xox