The wind is in my hair and the tears are swept away by this gentle breeze. I’m deep in the place of sadness that overstretches my soul like a blanket. I can’t begin to word the things. Or all the feelings. Just that I’m sad. And it overwhelms me.
The thing is I used to stifle these tears, hide them behind closed doors where I could have my own private viewing of my heart unleashed. I’d hold my breathe in sad movies, or in the tv shows… or QANTAS ads because I feel feelings. Big time. I feel too intensely, therefore I am… too much. And so I squash the very gift I have been given.
To feel.
I sense a sadness across the earth I can no longer hide. A cloaking within of loss… a grieving, an end of an era, chapter, season. Whatever you want to label it – the old is being removed to reveal the new things bursting forth in their season. This process in every way is painfully beautiful.
This luminal space of no longer and not yet sends an aching through my heart. I’m not a fan of transition seasons, I prefer to know what’s on the road ahead – to prepare or to celebrate… but I’ve been through enough life to know when our lives are moving degrees at a time. This feels like a cataclysmic shift. A re-navigating. Some things will remain as we are released into newer waters, I’m not sure how to take this next step. Where to next. Where to now? Do you ever feel like that too?
I know I’m not alone in these uncharted territories. I know this time has been a handbrake at one hundred into the momentum and calling of many. So I come here with my thoughts on sadness as an opportunity to grow and feel in the depths, in the hopes somehow I will arise renewed. That we would stand tall. And find ourselves in this new land with wonder, healing, light, truth and clarity in our hands. Alongside each other. Bearing this in love and unity.
There is a time to mourn. A time to be in joy. A time for everything so they say. I feel the things more often than not, all at once. These deep wells within are stirring, there has been an inpouring and it’s time. I can feel it in my bones. There’s a movement about to happen. I’m simultaneously keen and terrified. And sad.
Not everything on the internet can ‘spark joy’ or be a wanna-be positive vibes moment. I want to carry these melancholic spaces well too. The moments when joy seems far away, when a depression has set in, again. I know these tides though, the ebb and flow of the feelings will soon settle with a crashing wave and the calming will soon return.
I will call it for what it is. I won’t apologise for who I am, or what I am feeling. I will choose to honour the space in between. The new beginning and the clearing, the ending of what has been. Recall to your mind the things, all the things that have brought you life, where you have grown, the things you learnt, the things you walked away from, the pivot points in your path. Recall to your mind the feelings we shared, the moments of clarity, the loneliness. Recall it’s passing into the swell… this too signals it won’t be forever. The reminders of our reflections prove to us we have journeyed far. We have come a long way. We have evolved. It can’t always be easy, and it won’t always be hard. That’s the beauty of the road, it traverses through such diverse beauty if we choose to seek it. And somedays, I’ll be honest, it feels like the darkness covers those blooms in songs of blue. And some days they are bioluminescent, lighting from within.
So here’s to the harder moments, the moments no one sees. Here’s to the deep wells and all the feels. Here’s to honouring the process, and not rushing the revelation. Here’s to the beauty found within the beast. Here’s to a new day, one filled with hope and new beginnings. Here’s to now. This moment here.