So I went on a retreat this week, and you know what I found the hardest? To truly disconnect. I decided I’d fast social media so I set screentime up so I wouldn’t be tempted. I knew I would have set some time to plan for my social media so I didn’t want to delete it completely. Perhaps I should’ve.
I had picked up my phone 78 times by the end of the first day – and that was a good day!!! What in the world would I pick up more than 78 time in a day? Nothing. This was alarming to me. I am tethered to my phone. Then I’m reminded I don’t go anywhere without my phone, I recall to mind walking around the house with it in my hand, from room to room… so in a vain attempt to disengage I put it on Do Not Disturb from 9am-10pm (and then some) and sat it on the bench. But I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off – completely. I put it on silent, turned notifications on most apps off. I muted all that I could and yet I still got over 59 promptings to come back and be on my phone. Not to mention the overwhelming mental tug every three seconds.
What I learned on this retreat was – it’s nearly impossible to truly switch off. My little AirBNB is at the end of a beautifully tranquil cul-de-sac overlooking the Blue Moutains. The fog is this settling reminder to lay low and find clarity. But then somehow an alarm goes off jolting me back out of the reverie just to tell me to drink more water.
If it is this difficult to switch off for myself, is this how I am with my family and how am I with God? Is He really my first love? I would’ve thought yes, until this retreat… Perhaps have I, though ashamed to admit it, idolised my phone into first place? If so, how do I knock it off the pedal stool and reinstate the rightful King?
It’s the art of true connection, and true disconnection. That is, I’m truly connected to the moment and truly disconnected to the distraction. And whilst phones are a useful tool, they’re more often than not a distractor. This revelation makes it easier to make wise choices when it comes to intruders of our time.
I have a very dear friend who likes to call them Dumb Phones – I like this concept very much. Incrementally I’ve made choices: ridding apps I don’t use or need, limiting myself to 15 minutes on my phone (at most) at any given time – and can I just say it’s confronting when I get midway through attending to something seemingly important or hilarious and it requests permission for more time… Here I realise the length I’ve been on my phone absent minded scrolling. Well that’s just it isn’t it!? I’m absent. My body is present but my mind, well it’s everywhere but here. Yup, I need to break up with my phone.
I say I need it for work, or to run my business, but really, I think my laptop would suffice – and I’ve gotten better over the years to not have that out and about for easy access. So: set times, when I’m at a desk, when it’s day time and I have no kids. But really my phone only needs little purpose in my life… Apart from the phone calls or texts in an emergency situation, friendship or ensuring we have teams on Sundays, I really don’t think I need it. And even then, I’d like to sever the need to be constantly available and responsive to every person on the planet.
And really how important will this phone world be to my kids? I left social media for two months in August. It was so liberating – I actually discovered I didn’t care about it. I think I will do that again. There are other ways to communicate with those whom I love. Real time not Face time. The thing is my circles have gotten exponentially bigger over the years thanks to social media. I thought my fellow peers in my year at high school were enough to connect with – and even then, I had my group and I was on the fringe of a few others. I went to two youth groups because, well, that’s how I rolled, and there was a cute guy at one – #truthrevealed. My groups and connections were face to face and if I didn’t see them, I’d write them a letter. *ohmygoshemoji* I took time to formulate my thoughts on to paper, I took time to care for others. I rang my peers after school and would talk and process our days out aloud and solve the worlds problems… on a landline it cost 25c (and I feel old). Then I’d write everything in my journal before bed. What kept me up was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I watched with all my attention. Nowadays, you’re lucky if you get to actually speak to me on the phone. I work best in texts or messenger because I get to decide when I want to respond. Somedays, I get overwhelmed by the ocean of people I have to connect with, so I protect myself and shut down a little more each year. And as a result my real friends feel the brunt of that closure.
I was sharing with my mentor about how I have my top five peeps, who really see me for me, who get to speak into my life with all truth, whose opinions matter of and to me, who I sow back into completely, who I would drop everything for and run. They’re my 3am people. I have five of them. It’s a pity though ‘cause one lives in New York, one in Melbourne and one in Perth so the time thing, it doesn’t really work. But you get my idea, right? I’d be on the next plane when they needed me. My mentor told me this next generation would be lucky to have more than one. Which devastated my heart. And as I reflect about the ability to make real connection, I can see how this trend hurts our kids. I can see how I am hurting my kids by modelling it and setting the trend through my filtered parenting approach.
If anything, this retreat has highlighted how much I have become reliant on my phone, and less reliant on God; how I rely on my phone to fill the void with white noise of other people’s lives, to flood my mind with comparison and wishful thinking, dreaming through articles on cottage gardens… and alarms?! Seriously again!!!! But also, what I’ve realised is we were designed to be in relationship. How reliant we’ve become on technology for personal connection. And God, well he doesn’t have a phone… so yeh. There’s that too. He’s in the view, he’s in the laughter, he’s in the moment.
This summer I’m setting up a dumb phone. Good bye easy access to everything. I’m going to make sure that my focus is brought back to my reality. I’m going to put a piece of paper up for all the things I want to learn about and if I have time, I’ll go research it – later. I need to empty my head of the pathways I’ve created to disconnect me from the moment. Groceries are going on the backs of envelopes. I’m going to call my best friend. The words I write for a stranger I’m going to be intentionally sending to individuals I know. I’m going to visit my mum. I’m choosing real, messy, hard over easy, accessible, constant.
This summer is to be in the moment. To relish the sprinkler and the squeals. To listen to the hum of the ocean, to feel the breeze in my hair. This is the summer I choose to set my family up on a trajectory of true and deep connection. This is the summer I instil in my children and my husband that I am here for them. Fully. This summer is to know freedom. To know true love.