Autumn: The season that teaches us letting go is okay, it’s natural and necessary, it brings growth. And here we are on the threshold of a new season, I feel like I blinked and suddenly find myself ushering in winter. Ushering in a point of reflection and shift. A returning of rest.
It’s a melody my life forever sings, this yearning to enter this solitude and slow. I feel it’s cadence throughout my day to day now. I am no expert, but I do know there are elements needed to be present. To remain content. To find a thankful heart overflowing. I see the threads woven throughout my story, perhaps where I gave away yes too quickly in seeking approval and worth in the doing; I found myself lost and further away from my true heart. Along the way I let the things in that shouldn’t matter, and convinced myself their weight a truth to be held. And then here we are, moving through another season causing us to sieve. To surrender. And in so many ways I am grateful it has been forced upon us all, at least I am not alone. Somehow here in this chasm of chaos there is a new found and common permission to reflect and see what we are really here for. That’s why I love Autumn. It’s a shedding beauty. An awakening of sorts. That’s what this day is. It’s a reminder to once again embrace the stripping bare… give the permission needed: it’s okay to stay in the slower lanes.
I see the offerings to connect again, now beginning to fit the new moulds of schedules picking back up. I am honouring this flow I’ve fought for. I know in some ways I could be left behind. But this connection to myself, to the world around me will only remain solid if I stay in this rhythm. Even though I will desperately want to achieve, and make dreams realities… I am choosing to live this life (daily) with joy, and a certain kind of relishing, a breathing in. I will no longer grant myself the indulgence of finding my worth in those “things” or at a pace that costs me peace. In the doing, the acting of hurry to be all things to all people. To achieve and surmount all the things. I will take my time, and run at my pace. I will choose to listen to my body and I will be diligent to make the needed room to keep going deeper into my soul, to continue the pursuit of ever growing and evolving my inner life. To show up to be my best self, not just for me. But for them. And whilst, much to my 7 year old’s disappointment, I am not building LEGO all day long, I am finding the life I want to live and breathe with purpose and direction. This overflow of healing, the letting go… I am still pursuing and building (in another sense) the dream as it has evolved, but in such a way my soul isn’t carrying the weight of hustle any longer.
Just last week I reflected how I can’t remember a time I spent Sunday mornings in bed, reading, coffee in hand, embracing the slow and steady rhythm of an autumn morning sky. I’ve always been up before the sun, greeting dawn with vocal warmups and rehearsals. It has been my joy, and still will be when the time comes again soon. The readying of a morning of output, of love, of connection to the world I had so given all of my heart to for as many years as I can remember. Although, there might’ve been one or two bleary eyed and drowning in cuddles Sunday mornings with our first born after an all nighter – delicious and consuming. They were rare and still accompanied with a type of weary I no longer carry. But this season, this moment, this is something new. Something tender, something sweet, a reset my soul has required. Something I’m releasing myself into without reluctance. Something light and unburdened.
The bittersweet of letting go is ever present in this moment. The longing for a dual life: one where life is moving, an outpouring and being a part of something so much bigger than myself… this deep longing in my soul alongside the steady, slow beauty found in not going as fast as I once was accustomed. A moment of relishing rest and living truly in the present and in His presence. Warm and snug.
I know we can’t have everything, well… not all at once – right?. But this I want more of… the concept of a lazy Sunday spilling over into our lives or even just a well paced week… one filled with intention and purpose, infused with a centered joy and a connection so deep to my heartbeat, to God and to others. I’m beginning to imagine the life I want to ease back into and what I will carry. For now, I’m relishing and resetting and seeking Him out for some clarity for the days ahead. Because I will once again choose to keep finding beauty in the shedding – though it’s sometimes painful. I know there will be shoots of new growth in time, things within just waiting their time to bloom.