Even as I write, I hear the hustle brewing – lawns being mowed, dogs barking away birds, dishes being washed, kids playing (or arguing), the soundtracks of our lives being played out in doing all the things. The proactive steps to somehow occupy this space we find ourselves lost within. I see boundaries being redefined, and hearts being muffled. A heightening of the senses – aware we are always on. A new kind of on. One we didn’t anticipate. A constant zooming, our attention and energy given away hastily. It makes me think how quick we are to drop the habits we worked so hard to attain to the loudest noise in our life.
You see I’ve been on this journey to find cadence. Because life is pretty rocky at the best of times. There’s no certainty and we are ever in pursuit of this allusive tension to attain balance. But I think balance is a myth we’ve created between the forces of our lives to find symbiosis – a carrying of both playing and pursuing in some form of equality. And just as we feel like we’re welcoming its arrival, we find ourselves outweighed again.
We’re now four weeks in, and I can’t seem to find even ground. I feel the pull in all directions. I can feel my aural perception waning, my eyes ever tired, my body is craving stillness, my spirit aching for silence, my brain stuck in overdrive and in constant need of space, solitude or ear muffs. Anything. To quieten the noise in my head.
I just want quiet.
But everywhere I turn, my introverted heart is left in wanting because the cacophony seems inescapable. On top of all this, people whom I love dearly, but in another time would have contacted more infrequently, are reaching out. They need this connection. I know we all do. But I want to mute my world – my daily noise just went up by 2000%!!! My introverted self is completely okay to settle in the quiet corner and retreat for a long, long time. Longer than most I suspect. But, I sense I’m not alone.
The other day a friend shared how she gained time again: her commute is now extinct and her work life so shaved down she has all this room in her life! The daunting joy of discovering spaciousness again. And then she said, “oh but for you, you’ve lost your time with the kids now at home…” and I added with their “schooling” the new norm (and seemingly only priority) within our routine right now, I was envious of this space she had gained and I had lost.
I have taken a very long and intentional journey to learn slow, to live out rest by carving space in my life. And here I was feeling like I was robbed. Forgetting momentarily I have dug deep wells along the way. I have learned to operate out of a calm and peace that I now get to bring into this time. These incredible gifts I had adopted in the seasons of stillness. Here I am reminded this is something I get to control: how I feel, my attitude and how I spend my energy… so what do I need to draw out from these wells now in this time of greater uncertainty and noise?
I refill with time on my own. I wasn’t always that way, because I was wrapped up in the belief system if I had an afternoon on my own I would somehow die alone in my eightieth year. I also thought because I loved people I must need to be around them 24/7. I ignored every indicator in school, uni and ministry to slow down and be on my own. And when I finally did, it was incredibly life giving. I discovered I’m actually an introvert. This came as a surprise because if you know me really well I’m not a quiet person, I am always chatting, especially when I feel comfortable. Growing up most of my environments had coaxed me out into the comfy real-self spaces, so I naturally appeared extroverted. But in all honesty, and upon some major steps in self awareness I realised I actually prefer smaller groups, if not 1:1. I completely avoid parties and crowds. I was conscious of trying to do social life well, I like to dance, eat sugar and I am excitable – I played the extroverted lookalike life well. Then I would come home, moody, spent, craving aloneness and all I wanted to do was read, stay in my own bedroom and crash out. I find being ‘on’ tiring. I find the stage draining, I found study taxing. I find family life sapping. That was the hardest one to admit. Once I acknowledged I was operating out of my opposite for the large majority of my life, I saw I needed to better learn how to manage my input and output.
It’s called energy management – we all have a level of output we operate out of. Some might find their energy taps out real quick, and others maintain a longevity that never seems to end. Some will find energy is restored quickly, whilst others may requires more time and physical space. Energy can be drained in visual noise, aural noise, online noise, head space noise, relational noise, expectations, obligations – along with what you’re already bringing to the moment. In evaluating what drains and fills me, and in knowing how I work, I have become aware of strategies to fuel my soul accordingly through hard seasons.
And this is another one of those moments. Another extremely challenging season. I am feeling such a deep loss in my soul, the loss an introvert craves with space and alone time – this forlorn ocean. What once filled me to the brim and enabled me to overflow now has to evolve. This season demands so much more than I thought I could possibly give and yet I look back and realise I’ve been here before. This chapter we are writing isn’t new. History has repeated itself again. For me, for the world. But I forged a way once in my heart to navigate the road ahead, I can do the same now. I know what I need to survive this.
The tools I require are already within. It’s taking the moments to check in – on the go, and recognising a need is not being met. Asking myself what do I need right now? A nap? A glass of water? A dance party? Soak up some sunshine? And then providing a solution in adapting.
I’ve also learnt this past week I need to invite my peeps into this process for themselves too – giving them permission to find and figure out what they need, and hold space for them to share, be heard and feel valued. I need to communicate too – and the only way I can do so effectively is to find whats in my tool box. Rather than take it out on them. Yup, I have seen the effect of my living out what I am feeling inside. I disrupt peace. And I desperately want to bring peace. But to do that I need to find peace. An endless cycle.
It’s not this magic thing, a sitting in silence or doing nothing that fills you. It’s finding what works for you. What I found helpful, was starting with what triggered me and meet it with what was not being met.
And I came up with my check list:
- Am I tired? Meet me with a chance to rest, a nap, maintain an early and regular bed time.
- Am I thirsty? Meet me with a glass of water, set an alarm on my phone on the half hour to drink.
- Am I hungry? Meet me with a healthy snack, a proper meal.
- Am I deficient – did I take my B12, iron and fish oil? Meet me with my vitamins and a gentle grace I forgot once again in getting everyone else’s breakfast sorted.
- Am I overstimulated? Meet me in the quiet place, noise cancelling headphones, eyes closed, give me space.
- Am I over peopled? Meet me with play, something I can do 1 on 1 or by myself.
This moment in history, is another hard thing. And if history repeats itself, you will see you have done hard things… and you can again. You will survive this. Dig deep and find what fills you and drains you. Map out what it means for you to feel fuelled, ready to go, and what tips you over the edge into those coping strategies you use to survive. Communicate it to those you are in iso with. Give yourself grace, you can’t always get it right, but you will get through this. We will get through this. I believe this is an invitation to life equip. So find what works and refuel your soul and go there… often.