Worship in every season looks different for many of us. One of the hardest seasons I learned to worship through was when my husband and I decided we’d start trying to have a baby in 2009 where the roller coaster of possibility meets disappointment begins.
At first I have to admit I was petrified and semi-hoped I wasn’t pregnant because I wasn’t sure I was at a place where I thought I’d be ready. (But who is right?!) After six months, though I was easily disappointed because even though I wasn’t 100% sure I’d be ready I really wanted to start our family…
I began to dream up the future life I should be living, and neglected the hour I was in. Knowing that “everything has a season” is so important, whether it’s waiting for “the one”, or for a little one, God uses seasons powerfully and it is easy to just want something so much that you forget this moment right now. When I neglected being present to my current circumstance I slipped into an oblivion of helplessness, I lost my faith in God and created a reliance on myself. I began to set myself up for a fall every time we rounded the corner of the one line pregnancy test, declaring yet again it’s not the right time. Declaring yet again my failure in my flesh. Declaring yet again I didn’t trust God completely.
I heard a sermon about how God, in his infinite wisdom knew the perfect timing for His little baby to rock the planet – a perfect fit for that time in history. I felt God whisper to me so clearly “Your baby is on my timing,” Trust Him – he said. It made me realise I had been spending my todays all wrapped up in my tomorrow and I now had the opportunity to make the most of this season by recognising I was in a waiting room and that this was a time for me to grow and build on my relationship with God.
But eighteen months in the journey hit us hard, a lot of our friends and family were now in the season we were hoping to be in, and with the second possible pregnancy I was so excited. I was devastated when it didn’t come into fruition. I entered into one of the lowest moments in my life. I wasn’t happy in my job, I wasn’t happy in our mould infested rental property, I was so unhappy this baby was still just a fragment of hope. My faith in God was really challenged, it was raw and it was really hard but I learnt life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey getting there.
I was encouraged in that time to immerse myself in anything that could give me hope.
So I continued to do my 365 Grateful Project – by taking a picture of something every day I was grateful for. I chose to expand on that in the format of a blog and found it a great outlet for navigating through my faith in that season. I journaled my experience so I could see what God was doing in the small so I could trust Him in the big. I surrounded myself with a select few of my nearest and dearests, who walked the journey in prayer and tears; I put key words and scriptures that God had given me around my key workspaces – desk at work, kitchen and bathroom as reminders to make sure I went back to God’s Word and His promises when I felt at my weakest and connecting in worship meant I was connecting with God – even when I couldn’t articulate what my heart was truly feeling. Putting worship music on all the time, gave me words I could barely summon up courage and strength to sing in my pursuit of trusting Him. In my darkest moments I found what drew me closest to Him and I went there regularly.
I chose to immerse myself in time with God through fasting and prayer and prioritizing time for His Word and hearing from Him. The journey didn’t stop at eighteen months… it took us three years and IVF to fall pregnant. But I know that I am not alone on this road, I’ve had many a conversations with people who have struggled with fertility issues – potentially for far longer than we have. This season has taught me a lot about who I am and where I put my trust. First and foremost my relationship with God became my priority and was refined into a solid “I Trust you”. I learnt to wait on His timing – the waiting part not being a time of wishing away this season – but learning to live each day to its fullest.
I’ve learnt God is faithful and to hold unswervingly to His promises.
I’ve learnt to live out worshipping God in all seasons. And seasons have different weather.
Those waiting seasons are really hard. But God is big, He has a plan enfolded with His purposes. I’ve learnt that when I let go, God can move in ways I never imagined.
Until next time… xox
- Our story was first shared at a Women’s Event in 2013, six months after having our first little boy. We now have two boys – Baxter (4) and Archer (2). Archer’s arrival is a whole other story! One which took us wonderfully by surprise – God is faithful in the midst of your desert sweet one, keep your eyes on Him. xox