PAUSE ||
Breathe in. Breathe out.
The doctor said rest. I said okay in their presence, but internally my head was a tsunami of how on earth my life was going to move forward from a place of resting. I couldn’t figure out how it would be possible with two mini’s, two dogs, a business, a new job, travelling husband and study. Breathe. It is going to be okay. When you are a natural Martha it is incredibly hard to be compelled to fall into rest… And what is rest anyway? Emptying my brain? Physically sleeping? Emotionally disconnecting? Being alone? Finding solitude? Or is it all of those things and more?… Can you relate?
Over the past eighteen months I’ve been in a wrestling match: Hustle versus Rest. Hup. 1. 2. 3. Hustle wins again! Rest is overthrown by the thrill of accomplishment, the fulfilment of identity, the satisfaction of a job well done. But Rest rises up again in her corner, begging to compete once more. Oh Lord. This bustle of just being presents itself once again, and my body cowers toward it, craving its sweet whispers of recess… Here I am again finding the delicious place of reprieve and meeting a new beauty found in the place of pause, all the while Hustle is shouting loud and clear; a presence I simply can’t ignore.
In my early years, I thought I would suffocate in loneliness if I was alone on a Saturday afternoon or somehow those moments to myself would permeate my future indelibly. Yet this has been my reality, deeply rooted in the fear of being alone and then discovering – like finding precious gems – solitude.
“The movement from loneliness to solitude is the movement from restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play” – Henri J. M. Nouwen
Moving gracefully into having more and more pockets of “me” time, craving my own company amongst the outpouring of chaos has landed in me learning: I relish reprieve. I flourish when my thoughts have been laid out, stripped bare and compiled in unhurried time with my Creator. As an internal thinker my head is always on, even while I have conversations I have a subplot running as a continuous undercurrent of my thought life. So back to the Dr’s room with burnout, PND and glandular fever, the rude reality is: I had in fact reached. my. capacity.
For a few weeks I pulled back. My brain became freer, my mind felt ready to get back into the motions, yet my body was not catching up. Burnout will do that to you. It will create a false sense of fulfillment while you are running, as long as there is ongoing movement… but as soon as you stop… well, that’s when everything catches up with you. Sound familiar?
Sweet one, if this story of mine sounds all a little too familiar… Just take this moment to stop amongst the hustle. Breathe in. Breathe out. Check in with your Output versus Input. Is Hustle winning another round while Rest helplessly falters in her corner? In ministry and all too often in life it is easy to get caught up in “all that”, the: to do list, relationships/pastoral care, rosters, planning center, events, social life, parenthood, being wife/husband, family and home life… When we are refuse ourselves ‘stopping’ and choose ‘being on the go’ perpetually… Well, sooner or later all the “things” add up! We find then, we neglect the importance of moments where we just take it all in and find true connection to our God and to ourselves.
God commands it of us (Exodus 20:8). Pause. Take a breath. Rest. Sabbath. Come to Me.
If God has made this injunction, then it’s importance commands our obedience. Precious heart we were never designed to be in Hustle’s corner unceasingly. We work best when our bodies are given the chance to repair while we are motionless. Our physical bodies through sleep and rest, our minds through space and solitude.
So come, sweet one and rest a little. Stop expending… pause long enough to receive what He has for you today. It will only be found when unearthed in the place of pause. Let go and find yourself in the unforced rhythms of His grace.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.””
Matthew 11:28-30 MSG
Until next time… xox