The Secret Suitcase of Shame

For years I carried it around heavy, weighted, burdened. Expectations of everyone else melted in with the hues of rejection and the opinion of others. I dragged my suitcase into every room, every encounter, every tragedy, every thought, every role, every moment. And I kept adding to it, a few layers at a time; full force style stuffing it in and sitting on the lid hoping it wouldn’t explode or be found out; a fraud of perfection.

Shame settled in under my skin, and I didn’t even know it had made its home in my heart. I befriended the idea I was absent from this invisible weight, and thought everyone else carried it. But not me. No, I was sorted. I’d dealt with my ‘stuff’. But ‘stuff’ has a habit of piling high when in denial and left undealt with for years upon years. So each layer gradually gets revealed and resolved and deliriously you think you have made it. But oh! the illusion – which is what it is, traps us in the lie we are okay; everything is fine, we don’t need help, we don’t need each other… we don’t need God.

I was trapped by what other people thought of me in motherhood, in my calling, what my body shape is, how I connected with my feelings, how I performed, am I too hyperactive/relaxed for this moment, who I am fundamentally and what I believe in. Keeping a lid on it all for perception’s sake and the delusion it actually mattered what people thought of me.

I used to care so so much, too much, about what people thought of me. I’d reach for those unbearably hard hoops and jump, leap, dance through them for anyone’s approval. It was great while I was saying yes, and doing all they wanted me to do… but at what cost? Once I was honest with myself and left to be alone with my shame mountain I realised for the first time in my life. This secret suitcase actually applied to me.

When we begin unpacking our shame the veil is lifted and it’s roots exposed. It’s uncomfortable, painful, wearying yet releasing as you shed layer upon layer. You’re not weird for having layers, we’re all a culmination of our upbringings, our environment, our hurts, our past. You have a gift when you learn to address your pile, a new wealth of grace to draw from because you gave it over to Jesus, you have begun to find freedom He intended for your life. When we deal, we can encourage each others out of the shame shells leading them on the way of peeling back layer after layer, grace upon grace.

I’ve learned to be ok with what’s in my suitcase, it’s not neat, it’s still overflowing but the pile is decreasing, as is how much I care about what people think. I am called to be me, if people don’t like me, I’m actually okay with that. We don’t need to hide who God has created us to be for the satisfaction of anyone else. We also don’t need to bare the weight of words people choose to put on us, when it comes to the calling God has on your life choose to step into that not what someone else expects of you. It’s time to rise up sweet one, there’s permission to not have all your ducks in order, to be honest to not be fully okay. We’re all a little weird, and we all have a suitcase. It’s actually reasonable to say no when you need to. In fact, I think we could get better at that! In His eyes when you step into everything you were created to become – as it is in Heaven, that’s when you know you don’t have to carry the weight of your suitcase alone anymore. Perhaps it’s time for you to lift the lid, and ask the Lord to search your heart, to know it and then let it all go… layer by layer, knowing He is God and He loves you no matter what.

Until next time… xox