It took us three years to conceive our first little guy. And while we waited, we traversed an incredibly difficult season in our lives. God taught me a lot about waiting well and trusting in Him. Often I go back to those harrowing heart moments where I would’ve given my left foot just to see a positive stripe on the pregnancy test, and reflect how insanely awesome God is to have given us life. There are days where I sometimes wished it was like before kids though, those moments in reality are fleeting. Being a parent has taught me a lot about myself. How I cope with sleep deprivation, what my expectations versus reality gap really is, how introverted I actually am, what irrational fears are, how to create intentional moments, what things I will miss if I blink by not being present, where my priorities lie.
God has been moulding my perspective on how He intended ministry and family to coexist. How family is really the main thing. We had been a part of a team for a really long time, both of us being yes-people to every event, as many ministry opportunities we could get our hands on. We loved to serve, We felt called. We felt accepted and compelled to continue to sow into our church family as we had done pre-children. We had decided it was possible our kids (once they entered the scene) would fit into our world, our routines and our rhythm… Oh those deluded pre-parenting dreams. Our routine soon became engrossed in sleeping patterns, feeding times, not so great parenting moments and tantrums. Yet we concurred we could made it work with one. Our eldest just became a part of the worship team, sitting in on rehearsals occasionally, tagging along to services well before he needed to be there and being loved on by some very special people. However, enter child number two and it’s a whole new ball game. One I really wrestled with. One I am sad to admit, I approached with resentment, as I was pulled from a direction I really thought I was supposed to be walking in. I tried it for ten months; my toddler cried himself to sleep for six of those months in my premature haste to get rid of the dummy. And I was soon diagnosed with post natal depression when we left our running behind and finally stopped. We stepped out in faith into a season of still. An inescapable pause drew us both into the reality we had burnt ourselves out as well as we had missed the whole point.
I had all been juggling all the balls in the air and was managing my facade fine externally, but inside I was a crumbling mess. My kids reflected that. And I knew God was calling me to quiet waters. Waters of faith, stepping out, feeling like I’m drowning, but He calmed the storms inside. Enough for me to see I needed to go deeper into my heart matters and begin to truly love what He has entrusted me with. The darling hearts of my two boys and husband, the desires I so wanted quenched for so long.
This season of stripping back has taught me what should be my real priorities. It’s taught me my kids are not an excuse, but a legitimate reason why others perceived important needs are in fact not mine for now and can wait until it’s an appropriate time to respond. Family has become my first church. God has been unraveling my concept of ministry. It starts within my own world, before it is remotely affected in His church. There are days I get it right, technology is out of my hand and I am not following up my mentees or checking social media or following up with quotes or workshop prep. Or practising. Though I long to do those things in the moment the desire arises… In my undoing I’ve learnt a lot about why I said yes to others all the time, whilst saying no to my family or myself. I’ve learnt, the hard way, I need to pay attention and be intentional with my time and my heart. I’ve learnt I needed to deal with some real hard and not fun stuff that has impacted my marriage and my parenting, which inadvertently has the power to override my ministry life too.
So I’ve come to this resolution, more so a revelation: This coming year will look different for us. This year we have a lot of things on the horizon I am already starting to look at and wonder how I am going to maintain my First Church amongst it all. This year I will be saying no to others more, and yes to my family. I am determined to be present in the moment. Even on the days I don’t really feel like it – I desire to be intentional by playing on the floor with my kids. Making them laugh every day. Eating chocolate with them. Engaging with them rather than having them tag along to my days agenda. Making music with them. Teaching them what worship looks like off the platform. Modelling church life from the congregation more. Those wins are my first real priority. There is an unequivocal need to be connected to the Source, not only so I have the ability to overflow good things into my peeps, but so they are drawn closer to my Jesus. To His Bride. To His heart.
My prayer for you as you enter a new year filled with dreams and hopes and all the things you’d like to achieve and become, is to make sure you get your heart right and get your home right. Keep the main thing, the main thing. Discover what milkshakes and making memories with your tribe looks like. Be real with those who you know are a safe place for your heart to be received, deal with the blocks in your life which cause you to over react or run away from your reality. So the sweet overflow into your ministry and worship leading is leading from a place of vibrancy, reprieve, health.
Happy New Year sweet one, may it be an incredible year of His favour upon all you step into.