I’ve always had a very rose coloured viewpoint of motherhood in ministry. It easy to look to the platform of those gone before and think it too would be easy… after-all everyone seems to look amazing on little to no sleep, they’re on team seemingly straight after giving birth to their fifth child, often going hard and not going home yet somehow gloriously making motherhood and ministry the dream combo – a possible reality. They’re fulfilling their calling at what appears to be no cost and still shepherding the church! They’re living the ultimate dream! Obviously these are strong and very capable women… I wondered though, where I had got it wrong… why was what I saw behind Sundays (or even just in the car on the way to church!!!) was so misaligned to my unreasonable expectations and seemingly others reality?
When I had my first child I dropped everything to accommodate to his needs, his naps, when I’d feed him and play with him. I took a year off and embraced motherhood in all its complexity. I strived to be the perfect mother – to have an ongoing stream of activities, experiences for him whilst juggling the whole adulting thing and somehow fulfilling my dreams in still volunteering on the worship team I was on paid mat leave from. I made time and I was rewarded in many ways. However, when my second child was born, I struggled to relish in rediscovering this season of pause. It was much harder this time around – everything is doubled with two under two, dreams now definitely by the wayside, house in upheaval, two dogs (okay, so that’s on me… inheriting a puppy a few weeks before number two arrived – probably not the best call in the moment of gushing ooh’s and aah’s over a rescue dog!), a prolonged recovery from a C-section all while husband is travelling. Yup. I felt stuck. Life looked full, but not in the way I expected it to overflow. I had a different idea of what my full should look like.
I have to be honest, it took me a while to admit I was okay with being a stay at home mum – especially the second time around. I wanted to run along (read as: ahead, fast, real fast….) and hope somehow they would all catch up. God’s taught me though if I want a culture of family in my ministry, I must, must, must understand first what culture I’m setting in my own family. The one He has entrusted me with first. This is my real training ground, where I can learn to develop boundaries, where I establish value, acceptance above work, paper trails or programs. Where being honest, raw and real is welcomed, required, necessary. Where coming alongside and drawing out their best is my first order. It’s in my own home I’m learning to put down what I think might be important and invest in my husband and children at all costs.
Family is not an important thing. It’s everything – Michael J. Fox
So it goes as no surprise then after six months of my toddler crying and screaming his desperate need for me every night, that I needed to have a hard look at what was really going on. The surface ripple will always indicate the currents underneath… It wasn’t just the fact his dummy was no longer around, or he now had a baby brother, or that I was working in a part-time job with every spare minute I could give it (including those minutes I was supposed to be present and available for my family). I was leaving them all behind… I wasn’t present. I wasn’t filling their love tanks, in the pursuit of fulfilling my calling. I soon learnt running hard for the kingdom at the cost of my family was not actually being kingdom minded at all.
God is calling us to pursue His kingdom, but is has to start with the kingdom He has gifted us with in our homes. He taught me He meets us in the mess of our unmet expectations and we need to slow and survey our surroundings. There are moments in life you wonder how on earth you got to here… well babe, I’m here to tell you it’s not the big moments. It’s a culmination of our No spent poorly and our Yes left unstewarded in our every day; we arrive and realise we got lost on the detour of “not the point”.
“For if a man cannot manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?” 1 Timothy 3:5
My family began to teach me more than I’ve ever known about ministry:
God must come first – Just like in our ministry, He must be the head; head of your heart, of your household, and your ministry. Make room for Him in your day, your week, your season. He is your first priority. When you get your sights on Him literally every thing else comes into order. He directs your steps, He gives you wisdom. He gives you strength, He ordains the hour you are in. Be present to what He is teaching you there. Be okay to dwell in the stagnant seasons.
Family is your first church – Make room for the ones you have in your world. We will often leave home in God’s hands in the pursuit of our church family. I am a firm believer when we demonstrate our care for our family (our first church) God will honour His church. Don’t labour in vain by giving your all in the wrong context. Spend time together, create memories and when the busy seasons come make the effort in the small wonderous moments.
Learn how to love well – Find your tribe’s love languages (if you’re not sure read Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages – there’s a kids version too!) and act on them. Make room to love well, give love in those seemingly ordinary moments. Our children remember the culmination of what they feel not what you said. Our spouses need to have time where you are presetn (off a device!), not talking about the kids or debriefing work and ministry. Find the things that bring you joy when you do them together and do that – often.
Communicate expectations – Of course you have dreams and a calling too and it’s important to pursue that! Work out what is going to work for your family – set aside specific times in the week you give your all to that space, but when you are around your family be present, be engaged and be all theirs.
Love always wins – We are created for relationship and the role of spouse/parent is no one else’s responsibility but yours. You are created to be in relationship, you have been given the blueprint to your little ones. Find ways to express your love for them, set the example now. Let love reign in your house hold.
Have fun together – Play is such an integral part of family time. When we get caught up in the things that need to be done around us (important, urgent or not) we neglect the gift of building into relationship and real connection with your family. Through your actions you communicate what is important and what is not. I desperately want my family to know they are important and valued and when we are together it’s all about them.
Set a culture – what is your family’s culture and value pillars. We set our values and mission statements for the workplace and in church, but do we set our core beliefs in our marriage and our family? When we make an intentional effort to place big rocks (our big rocks are: you are valued, you are loved, you can be real, we respect and honour each other, have fun together and all this is communicated by making time for each other) we set our family up to win no matter what the calling for the rest of our lives is.
God unraveled my heart they needed to come first and as I was obedient to this, despite my desire to escape it a little, He filled my heart with a greater joy and a deeper love for my tribe than I could have ever imagined. So sweet one if you feel like you are trying to balance your home and your ministry and not sure how, let Him show you in your four walls first…
Until next time… xox