“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” Hebrews 10:35
It starts with the sudden cold creeping into my soul. I find myself yawning, almost like my soul is trying to learn how to breathe again. The fear has taken life itself away from me. I turn from my audience and breathe in deeply. The lights blanking out the disconnect I feel from my ability. And then the count comes in from the drums and I find myself saying, “Welcome to church…” and suddenly I feel His presence wrap warmth around me and we lead the way. We enter into the throne room once again, and invite our congregation to follow. The songs aren’t the issue, I could sing in front of thousands. I’m not petrified when the lights are blinding, and my ears are pumping, the music sweeps me away and I cannot escape His presence. It’s the words in between. I’m acutely aware of the gap between what I want to say and what comes out of my mouth. The platform in front of hundreds became comfortable for me, I found my courage, I owned the stage, I led in His authority. To be honest though, that took years of overcoming… this season our platform is vastly different. There are no lights, no stage, there is nothing to hide behind, the exposure daunting.
We serve worship in a house church most weeks, and often our ministry these days is often in a room with smaller groups of people and it’s hear He has asked me to speak… oh dear. The waves crushing beforehand, the tide of terror of not having done it the way I’d hoped afterwards. The same thoughts from my early years reappeared and I’m gripped, utterly shaken internally. Drowning in doubt. No one seems to see it (or so I’m told) but my championing husband who is cheering me on with looks of encouragement and the odd nod of affirmation knows there’s an ocean writhing away in my mind. The waves come at crushing speed and endlessly on repeat. The things I’ve practiced, the things I’ve prepared suddenly get swept out from underneath and I make what I perceive to be nonsensical murmurs. Surely, I had gotten past this… how still after all these years is it reappearing… another level. Another layer for His grace to suffice.
Giving His words away is where I’m supposed to be, so it’s no wonder it is my greatest hurdle to overcome. I’ve been discovering over these past few months, God has called me very clearly to not stay silent. For as long as I can remember I have been writing songs, the words I couldn’t speak were the very words that fuelled my early years of private worship. Then came the prompting to start a blog based on a grateful project. Little by little He called the words out, crafting me. It became a regular practice and the more I practiced my words, the easier it became. Internally though, speaking from a platform… No matter how hard I tried, my personal belief system through my experiences had taught me to believe I wasn’t good enough, or as eloquent. (Oh the danger of comparison!) I heard it said that if we apply our logic and our understanding from the things that have happened to us, or the way we perceive it and attach it to our emotional responses (good and bad) we create the pathways of our focus. These become patterns and our belief systems, whether we intend to or not. Our beautiful brain creates pathways from our experiences and our responses combined, which often when accrued with fear or shame become our battles and internal segues to steering away from the call.
I had several voices in my past who I let in, I invited their authority and recorded their opinion as fact and naturally their words indelibly remained louder than what God had to say about me. The thing is it’s not their words so much anymore, it was my agreement that rewrote my internal dialogue playing involuntarily when I am preparing to lead, when I have to speak in front of others, when I have to lead, when I am alone with my thoughts.
This is the clincher. I came intro agreement with the lies the devil set out to destroy me with. The devil will attack the very area God has called you into. So pay attention to the loops in your heads, the fears that creep in and camp out, the anxiety when it arises and the seeds of doubt when they try to settle into the soil of your heart – it’s affirming, we’re on the right path. When God has called you to something, these will be the arenas you will face the most challenge within. For years I allowed fear to rule my heart, and gradually I conquered new ground, but I’m wondering if it wasn’t really new ground, perhaps it was reclaiming the territory stolen in the lies I chose to wear as truth.
Don’t throw away your confidence. It is in Him we can do all things. It is in His strength our weakness is perfected. New territory is scary… so is reclaimed territory. It’s learning to walk that terrain again with a strengthened stance. It’s engraving on our hearts the words that matter – His words. His word is life giving, active, alive truth we can take on and align ourselves to. We need to come into agreement with what He says about us. The restoring of our confidence is the only thing that will allow us to walk out our calling.
Steven Furtick says, “You can lose a lot of things, but regain them in confidence. Since the devil can’t take your ‘calling’, he attacks your confidence.” He goes on to say that when the devil can attack your confidence, you’ll give your calling away. However, when we know what we are capable of through Him, we can continue to pursue it with abandon. We are unstoppable when we see our potential and have the zeal to pursue it. There is nothing the devil wants more than to derail you, so be brave sweet one, armour up. He has called you to lead in such a way, for such a time as this. You are wonderfully you, and the world needs more of your uniqueness in it. Radiate from a place where you can say I may be scared by this, but the One who is in me is infinitely larger than the one who who is reminding me of all I am not. Gather His tape for you: I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. Who can stand against me, when He is for me. He’s got this, so I can relax. He will fight for me. Lift my eyes to the One who already has the victory. I am covered by His grace. He has equipped me. He will make me strong. He uses my weakness for His glory and as a result, reveals His strength. God is good and He is true.
Start rewriting your loop sweet one, engrave His truth upon your heart and begin to convince your mind to recall His fatihfulness, His capability, His strength, His joy when the thoughts begin. Let His waves of love and assurance wash over you.
Until next time… xox